Nana

Si Nana estuviera con nosotros, hubiera escrito sus historias. Le hubiera preguntado de su educación. Le encantaba leer, pero casi siempre leía la Biblia. Su biblia la acompañó por tantos años. Yo sabía que no fue a la escuela muchos años. Era raro, con su experiencia, que sus padres tuvieron maneras de mandarla a la escuela. En ese tiempo, ella tenía la responsabilidad de ayudar con el trabajo de mantener el hogar.

¿Quien le enseñó escribir? También le encantaba escribir. Cuando fui a la universidad, me mandaba cartas por correo. Algunas veces, también me mandaba dinero. Sabía que para ella, era mucho, pero lo guardaba para algo necesario.

Nana era cuentista. Le encantaba el chisme y le encantaba contarnos de cosas que le habían pasado, siempre cuentos chistosos. Algunas veces, con lagrimas, nos contaba de su tristeza. Había mucha tristeza y tiempos difíciles.

Dos nińas, mis tías que nunca conocí, murieron demasiado temprano. Una se llamaba Olivia y la otra era Lydia. Eran las únicas hermanas menores de mi mamá. Olivia murió a los nueve meses de tos ferina. Lydia murió algunos meses pasado su primer cumpleaños de polio. No las llevaron al médico porque no había como pagarles.

Solo las conozco por sus fotos, en blanco y negro. En una foto, Nana estaba en seguida de mi mamá cargando su hermanita como si fuera muñequita. Otra foto era de Lydia frente de su pastel de cumpleaños.

Siempre pensaba en vida con mis tías. Imagino que, como mis siete tíos, ellas también me amarán muchísimo, y yo a ellas.

Si Nana estuviera con nosotros, imagino que cada sábado por la mañana, nos juntaríamos virtualmente. Frente de la computadora o teléfono, mi mamá y Nana en la pantalla, enseñamos nuestras tazas de cafecito. Nana con sus carcajadas, mi mamá y yo temblando de risa. Con tiempo, imagino que la plática incluirá la historia de mis tías que nunca conocí. Ahora que tengo hijos, entiendo su dolor profunda. Le diría que yo también las extraño. Escribiría sus historias.

If Nana was still with us, I would’ve written her stories. I would have asked about her education. She enjoyed reading, but she usually read her Bible. It accompanied her for many hears. I knew she attended school for a few years. With her experience, her parents didn’t have the means to provide a formal education. She had the responsibility of helping maintain the household.

She also loved writing. Who taught her how to write? When I left home for college, she’d write me letters. Sometimes, she’d send money. I knew that for her, it was a stretch, but I saved it for something important. She wouldn’t let me refuse it.

Nana was a story teller. She loved gossip and enjoyed telling us stories about funny events that happened to her. Sometimes, through tears, she’d tell us of her sadness. In her life, there were many hardships.

The stories she spoke most of, were those of her two daughters, aunts I never knew. They were my mother’s only sisters, Mom being older than them. They were named Olivia and Lydia. At nine months old, Olivia died of whooping cough. A few months after her first birthday, Lydia died of polio. There was no money to take them to the hospital.

I only know them from their black and white photos. In one, Nana stands next to Mom who is holding her little sister. She looks like a doll. In another photo, Lydia stands on a chair in front of a birthday cake.

I’ve always thought of life would be like with my aunts. I imagine, like my seven uncles, they’d also love me as much as they do. I’d love them just as much.

If Nana was still with us, I imagine we’d meet virtually on Saturday mornings. In front of a phone or computer, Mom and Nana would appear on screen. We’d show each other our cups of cafecito. Nana’s cackling laugh would have us shaking. In time, our chat would include the stories of the aunts I never knew. With children of my own, I understand her profound grief. I’d tell her I also miss them. And I’d write her stories.

Friday, March 15, 2024

Big Tent Revival: Deviled Food

I don’t dance. I don’t dance because Nana said I’d go to hell. I’m afraid of going to hell. I’m afraid of how hot hell is and of the devil poking and prodding me with its pitchfork and its snake-like tail whipping around me. Why is it when I hear music, it bubbles inside me and I’m giddy? It makes me feel like there’s another person inside that wants to come out and laugh and have fun and move and sway. I like the idea of being that fun person who doesn’t care that people watch her move in response to the rhythm and makes up her own swirls and twirls and is just flat out happy. Nana’s voice always stops me.

I didn’t want to dabble with the devil and dancing. When you’re a rule-following first-born (mostly) and spent most of your formative years with your Pentecostal grandma, that’s what you do. No questions allowed because you respect your elders.

“¡Los bailes son del diablo! Dios no quiere que estemos en los bailes. Debemos estar glorificando al Señor.”

No matter how fun and harmless it seemed, dancing never worked for me. I’m stiff and have robotic dance moves. I imagined myself having a good time and maybe even having a boy pull me in close to move in sync with the music. I stared wistfully at other kids while I stood around, the poster child for a wallflower.

I didn’t understand the harm. If people have fun how can dancing be the devil’s work? Why is it so evil? Most kids didn’t even touch each other while they danced unless it was a slow song. Even then, why was that worthy of getting to hell when there were other people around?

I didn’t ask Nana why, she just said to stay away from it. I found that confusing, coming from someone who bought deviled ham on sale from Piggly Wiggly. She fed it to me on days she took care of me while my parents worked. She spread the pink mush on slices of white bread when she packed lunches for all of us as we piled into Papá’s pick-up truck early summer mornings to work the cotton fields. She bought tons of little pull-tab cans, neatly wrapped in white paper stamped with a red devil holding a pitchfork, its pointy arrow tail snaking around, mocking me. You can’t dance because it’s the devil’s work, but here, eat the devil’s meat.

I hated the stuff but ate it anyway because that’s what she packed: sandwiches with salty slimy pink sludge that tasted nothing like ham, smeared on bread. I envisioned a bunch of mashed up devils’ tails packed into those tin cans, with the red faces daring me to eat, winning my soul through hunger.

When I see anything with fiendish depictions, I think about how Nana would respond. I’d take her to Torchy’s and probably get an ear full of Bible verses for taking her to a taco joint emblazoned with cute devilish cherubs tempting you into gluttony. I might order her the Democrat and a margarita, especially since she wasn’t a drinker. She’d denounce the place because she could make better tacos at home, for less, and feed twice as many people. And she’d be right.

She might even top them with a possible nemesis, maybe the devil’s brother, Diablo Verde sauce I found at HEB. The hot one is too damn hot for me, but if you mix it with sour cream, the heat is worth it. The devil is always among us, even in our food. Every time I see a feisty little sprite or hear soul-stirring music, Nana’s voice pops into my head with advice for staying out of hell and I’m reminded about how much I miss her. Except now, I eat at Torchy’s and I might even dance a little.

Torchy’s Tacos, Round Rock, Tx