Another (Sleepless)Saturday Morning

Saturday, March 19, 2022

It’s another Saturday morning. I’m supposed to be sleeping in. I should be sleeping in. Sleep has a hate-hate relationship with me. I have a love-hate relationship with it. Love it, but hate it because I don’t ever seem to get enough. I try, but my body won’t have it. So, I should be sleeping.

Instead, I got up at 5:30. If I keep my eyes closed and take long deep breaths, I can go back to sleep. Nope. Not working. Maybe if I go to the bathroom, I won’t think about going while I’m trying to go back to sleep and that might help. I grab at the air in front of me, remembering my opened suitcase is still at the foot of the bed and I left my shoes somewhere on my right. I make it there and back to bed.

Breathe in, breathe out. What do I need to do today? What’s one more for-me thing I can squeeze in before Monday’s bleary-eyed wake up call to go back to work? I should be sleeping, but my brain is chatting, loudly. And it has jumped on my chest wanting to ponder the universe like a toddler freshly awake, yanking me out of bed. Wanting to play. Wanting pancakes. Just five more minutes…

Nope. Not having it. Body is done with sleep even though it didn’t need as much as I wanted to give it. I get up. The house rests in the deep silence of morning. Still dark outside. Cold. I make my coffee, adding extra cinnamon. I pop a slice of sourdough bread from my favorite bakery into the toaster. Put away last night’s clean dishes while the last bit of coffee gurgles into my cup. I get to my end of the kitchen table, my make-shift writing space. I open my notebook and start my daily three pages of writing. Not usually anything good, just a space to let out all of those thoughts that dragged me out of bed.

What do I do with the rest of the morning? No one is up to start demanding things for me. Not even the dog wants to be let out.

A walk?

It’s still dark. Too cold.

So, wear a jacket.

I’m going to they gym in a while.

Laundry?

Too loud.

Another cup of coffee?

Maybe later.

Go back to bed, then.

I’m not sleepy.

I hear cars in the distance, the neighborhood yawns awake. The sky starts to blink open, morning light appears out of nowhere. I’m dressed for the gym so I’m not tempted to stay home.

I’m not a morning person, but these few hours were nice today. When I try to get some early quiet time, it backfires, so I’ve stopped trying. Sleep got me out of bed early today so I could play with a little bit of me time.