Bench Warmer

Saturday, March 25, 2023

I figured out I was a bench warmer as a third grader, before I knew there was a term for it. My parents allowed me to join Little Dribblers, our local kid’s basketball organization. All my friends joined, and they were the cool kids. I don’t remember how I ever got to the practices, I probably walked to most of them, but my parents weren’t always in the stands cheering me on. Usually, they dropped me off, picked me up, and that was that. Typical 80’s kid doing her own thing. Their work schedules often conflicted with extracurricular activities and there were two other younger kids at home. Later it would become three.

During practice I tried to keep up, watching the others with envy as their basketballs obeyed and bounced back to their fingertips for another forceful tap. I spent most of my time chasing my basketball. If a coach intercepted it and passed it back to me, I moved out of the way so it wouldn’t hit me in the head. I like to think I have a metal plate in my head that attracts moving objects. It’s still there and it still works. I was never good at catching.

My dad watched some games, but I rarely played. I learned that you have to be good to play, otherwise you sit and wait for the team to win. Or lose. Sometimes I’d go in and it seemed that just as I got warmed up, a buzzer went off or a whistle blew and there was a switcharoo. Back to the bench. Cheer the team from there.

The following year, the sign up form went home again. I looked at it, but I knew better. I wouldn’t bother. We didn’t have a smooth driveway with a basketball goal for me to practice. I didn’t get any better. I wanted to play because my friend played, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as they did. I preferred to spend my time in different ways. After all, if I was going to sit on a bench, I’d rather sit there reading a book, not wishing to dribble basketball.

Perch

I've perched at the end
of the kitchen
table
in front of the back porch
window 
facing the 
front 
door

It became my 
desk
grad school homework
nonstop
for three years.

I nested there
awaiting my possibilities
adding to the space
making it as cozy
as one can make 
a kitchen table
competing with 
family meals
kids' homework
craft projects
during down time
and breaks
junk mail
wine glasses
coffee mugs
papers waiting 
to be graded

Time passed,
yet I still perch
at the end 
of the kitchen 
table
in front of the back porch window
facing the 
front door

It has become my
desk
morning pages,
three of them
every day (mostly)
for over four years
flanked on the right
with a writing
cabinet
wine glasses
and unopened bottles
of wine occupy the 
top shelf 
waiting
to be sipped

This morning,
I changed my seat
and now I perch
on the long side
of the kitchen 
table
to the right of the back porch
window
next to my son's 
favorite seat, 
occupied only when
he visits,
leaving the front door 
behind
enjoying
a better 
view
Saturday, March 18, 2023

Since When

has Friday become a dreaded yet welcome
oxymoron–
the end of the week
but an entry to the weekend
where once, after work
hours of happiness
clinking glasses
full of endings
and beginnings
now are more work
than mondays
that make one
want to go
home and 
crawl
into 
a 
hole?
Friday, March 10, 2023

Tag, You’re It!

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

It’s my turn already? Uggg, I just… Okay. Sheesh. There. I close my eyes. Take a deep breath, and try not to think. It’s okay, no biggie.

Beep, beep, beep!

I slam press hard. I’m not ready for this. No worries, it’s fine…

Beep, beep, beep!

Goodness, I KNOW it’s my turn, I’m just not feeling it. It’s hump day. Two more to go.

Beep, beep, beep!

I just fell asleep after my 3:00 a.m. jolt out of slumber.

Why?

We go back and forth in five minute increments until 6:10. My eye pillow flops to the floor at my last attempt to slam the alarm clock, but instead I turn it off. I should’ve just set the thing for 6:15 a.m.

I get out of bed and don’t even look back at the sleep I left behind. It left me at 3:00, but I gladly took it back with open arms, reconciling my frustration and sinking deep into delicious rest that’s cut too short with my day job’s wake-up call.

#myday #in #hashtags

#tuesday #march7 #2023

#morning #doughnutboy #spiderman #actionfigure #coffee #LEGObuild #makerspace #mlacitations #lessons #overduebooks

#lunch #turkeychilli #salad #again #friends #checkin #marcopolo #chat #calendar #evening

#bribes #jollyranchers #readaloud #afterschool #detention #whenteachersskip #kidsgotafreebie

#threemoredays #springbreak #sotired

#highschool #parentmeeting #already #staylittleforever

Alice Almaraz-Garza

25 in teacher years, half a century in human years. Information sleuth and scientist employed as a middle school librarian where she has cosplayed as General (Sweet) Mayhem and Mabel Pines. On superhero days, Alice goes by The Garzinator.

Slow reader. Writer-ish. Former 6th grade ELA teacher. Spanish is his her second language.

Subscribing to a monthly sparkly sticker club, she hoards stickers, especially the sparkly ones, in a large binder. An AFOL, she collects and builds literary themed LEGO sets, but recently built a Vespa 125 and only needed her 20 year old son’s assistance twice via Face Time. She taps into her inner 12 year old daily. Alice breaks technology frequently due to an alien implant in her pinkie toe that she noticed after being temporarily abducted at the age of three. They like to visit at 3:00 a.m. for regular updates.

Writing credits include piles of journals full of the mundane, (sometimes) boring, everyday musings and glimmers of creativity, piles of poems written to her parents starting in third grade, lesson plans, Facebook posts, and blog posts on Nerds Beget Nerds where she occasionally writes to Judy Blume.

When she isn’t writing, Alice enjoys puttering, strong coffee, and wondering why she entered the next room.

She lives in the middle of Texas with her husband, 13 year old, and pure-bred mutt named Reeses, but hails from the Panhandle where she ate dirt on long two-block walks home in horrid dust storms.

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

Tracker Hackers

Adult chore charts
Reading logs gone wild
Oh brain,
why can't you learn to 
bend a little?

If I fill every box
every day
does that mean I'm 
suffocating?

If I skip a week,
two,
three,
does that mean I'm dead?

No.
It means 
I'm too
busy,
flat out gave up
for a bit,
went on 
vacation

Too rigid?
Perhaps
I like to see 
the ebb and flow
of life
on paper
[I must] take care
not to become
over dependent on them,
after all,
am I focusing on
checking off little boxes
or on the better, 
bigger things 
around me?

They're a shot 
in my arm,
accountability
for (hopefully) doing 
the right things
that are hard to do
so I can be better
at the ones 
that matter

They're a heartbeat 
of sorts
multicolored
messy 
proof that I'm doing my
best at life

I've seen interesting ones:
meatless Mondays
no sugar
no booze
daily journaling
wordle
dating
no spending
devotionals
screen time (usually less)
social media posts (usually more)

Mine remain steady, 
seems I can't build those [good]
habits
yet

I've tried giving up
tracking everything
becoming robotic
in spewing out 
my own 
data
my internal 
algorithm
can't seem 
to compute
making me feel 
like a failure 
at times

I still go back to them
proving
I can create habits
for behaviors
I need to change
adding challenges
through 
my own volition

(like writing 
for 31 days
straight)

Valentine Timeline

Sticky shoeboxes covered with construction paper
long slot cut through the top
where little envelopes drop
one for every classmate
wiggly heart shaped Jell-O
Cindy's mom brought to the class party
shiny gold boxes wrapped in red cellophane 
holding chocolates
the popular girls got 
from their little 
boyfriends,
gross!

Outgrown class parties
replaced with
little messages delivered between
classes
are any of those for me?
No, 
they're all for those girls
a pile of them
I wonder what they say
They sigh as if annoyed,
but we all know
they like attention
"I have so many!"
Oh, shut up
but secretly,
I wish they were mine

First boyfriend
and my first
"real" Valentine's Day gift
a thin gold bracelet
with a heart slipped through the chain
I never wanted to take it off
until that one day
several months later
where it made its way 
to the back of my jewelry box
do I dare wear it again?

Galentine's Day before it became a word
ditch the study sesh
none of us have boyfriends 
so why not go to dinner together?
No tables available at the one 
cafe, of course not, 
couples got first dibs
because people plan for these things
we drive around, 
it's late now,
and we find a little Italian restaurant
where I taste fried calamari 
for the first time
order our entrees
and realize we don't 
mind being single

A rainy weekend
greets the rare Saturday
Valentine's Day
No plans made, 
but we have each other
Where do we go to dinner?
Everything is booked
Let's just go to our regular place
My gift is first
should be perfect,
it's something he enjoys
then I open the card
what?
and he hands me a small box
what?
okay, I say
what?
and there it is,
the ring I had been eyeing
YES!  
I say yes
he slips it on,
call my mom
and we head out 
to dinner, nothing fancy
but I can't stop staring 
at glittery possibilities
of forever

More valentines
cute pencils with fun erasers,
stickers, snacks, a book for each one
goodie bag assembly line
load my car and brace myself
for my first classroom party
on the other side
every student gets something
it isn't fun being left out
even if it's from the teacher
chocolate candy
and cute little notes pile up
on my desk
sugar comas 
(I'm glad I'm not the parent!)
chocolate fountain and goodies
from PTA in the staff lounge
and bonus points for the one
who brought a small
bottle of Champagne 
flavored jelly beans

Craft stick picture frames
with my little 
cherubs inside them,
trimmed with sparkly hearts
googly eyes, and glitter
whipped cream topped pancake 
with berries and hot cocoa
fluffy stuffed animals
heart covered pajamas
bedtime stories
"I lovey dovey you!"

Gift bags with snacks
because they're always hungry
can't go wrong with candy
lemonade for one,
a root beer for the other
decide against deodorant 
and find a silly squishy plush toy
because they still like getting them
"Oh, by the way, can I get
something for my friends?"
It's 9:30 p.m.
the day before VDay
No, just no.
We should be getting ready for bed
"I'll ask Dad!"
No. 
You won't

Wrestle with insomnia
get up and find my seasonal
purchases
place them on the table,
one of those shiny gold heart 
shaped boxes wrapped in red cellophane
for hubster
and a green squishy love bug plushie
flanked with a red Ring Pop and a tube
of mini-M&Ms
she skips down the stairs as if on cue
the minute I put everything down
she picks up the love bug 
twirling it in a dance
and sings her happy theme song
announcing 
"You're going to school with me today!"

At work the office calls
I have a delivery
For me?
a bouquet of flowers
unexpected and appreciated
homemade dinner 
text message exchange with 
my oldest
who stopped by to visit on Sunday
I pour myself a glass of cheap Champagne
fill the sink with dishwater
and toast 
all of the ways people love me



Tuesday, February 14, 2023

Almost Almost

I scrolled and noticed the post, Bono & Brené Brown in Conversation.

No. Freakin’. Way.

I didn’t miss it. There’s time to get tickets, they don’t go on sale until TOMORROW! Check the calendar, check the calendar, check the dang calendar. Who’s working? Is there a musical rehearsal after school that day? Doesn’t matter, I’ll arrange my reinforcements. But wait, 4:00. I’m at work until 3:45. Traffic. How much? Ticket prices are not available until sales open.

Wait. Nope. You have to at least try. It’s BONO and BRENÉ! Calm down. You don’t have a ticket. I have to try. I check the calendar and decided to take the afternoon off. I made imaginary arrangements for S to get picked up from rehearsal. And the price? I have unspent summer school and birthday money waiting for a big, fun, for me purchase and this is where it will go.

I set the alarm to go off at 9:50 a.m. on November 4th. I open the site for ticket sales to have it ready. I have classes coming in that day, but by the time I’m done, students will be checking out their books and getting ready to leave. Okay, calm down. It’s okay, don’t get your hopes up.

November 4th, 9:50 a.m. my alarm goes off as planned. I slip into my office and open the website. An updated message appears saying something like “Ticket sales for Bono and Brené in Conversation, another event, followed by another event, and another event will open at 10:00 a.m. …”

“Yes, I KNOW,” I fuss at my phone. I retrieve my purse from a cabinet and thunk it on the counter next to my desk. I dig for my bank card. How many more minutes? I refresh the page to make sure it doesn’t get stuck. Our building is notorious for clogging up anything you want to pull up on cell networks.

My heart throbs…

I refresh the page.

10:03 a.m.

Let’s do this, I don’t care how much it costs.

And I’m stuck in a queue. A virtual line. They rub it in and show virtual me standing in a cyber line. Lucky number 3,405 with 3,285 people ahead of me. The theater’s capacity is 1,270. Sigh. I found what I was looking for, but there weren’t any left for me.

In a real line I could have met a bunch of other people and been part of a collective disappointed groan. Instead, I put my card back in my purse, return it to the cabinet, and await the arrival of the next class.

I almost cried. Almost.

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Cincuentañera

A week later
streamers hang on the patio
vibrant, yet tired
a trampoline hasn't been reassembled
and probably won't return
to its spot in the backyard

She's thirteen now 
we've long stopped 
synchronized 
wahoo-wahoo-wahoozie
mother-daughter bouncing
of summers long past,
my hands intertwined 
with her silly little 
first grader fingers

Gifted wine bottles line up 
one behind the other
I sip from a new coffee mug
and finish the last two
homemade Mexican wedding cookies
baked for a birthday

A lone striped gift bag didn't get folded,
hot pink crumpled paper 
peeks from the top

A new sparkly evening bag invites
possibilities and wonderings about
unknown adventures
How many more trips around the sun?
Tuesday, August 9, 2022